I keep telling myself that I have to stop asking for things, for help. I guess now's the right time to finally do it. I feel sick every time I do it, I'd rather struggle and suffer than to see that look again.
Fuck this.
I keep telling myself that I have to stop asking for things, for help. I guess now's the right time to finally do it. I feel sick every time I do it, I'd rather struggle and suffer than to see that look again.
I don't know how to let go.
“I’m happy” that’s the lie I keep telling myself every morning when I wake up, and every night before I fall asleep. I mean, I must be happy, why wouldn’t I? It seems that love found me again after all but is it real? I keep wondering if it is. I really don’t know, because I feel like I don’t know myself anymore, I don’t know what’s real and what’s not real.
It’s awkward. It feels strange.
I’m afraid that I’ll get hurt again, and that’s probably what’s going to happen; at least that’s what people say: “where there’s a fire someone’s gonna get burned”.
I wanted to run, to run away so no one could find me, but I was too weak, I couldn’t do it; I cannot turn around, I’m mesmerized by you, because you’re such a forceful and determined human being.
You have confessed to me that you use people to get where you need to be, you would trample anyone who getsts in your way. And after you have told me all of this, now I’m afraid that, maybe, I’m just another one of your victims, and the worst of it is that I won’t know it, until it hits me right in the face. You make all my self-confidence disappear, and you make it come back, it’s just a weird cycle.
I guess only time will tell what’s real and what’s not. At least I'm not crying anymore − or so I say −.
Good people, good people. Who are those good people? Let me tell you.
From my experience good people are broken souls; this is the reason why they are good. They’ve seen too much shit; they’ve been through a lot, that’s why they are good. They know how it feels to be treated like shit, that’s why they decide to be kind, to help and not to judge others.
I’ve been –and still am– called a good/kind soul. I think I’m not. I’ve been –and I am – broken, I’ve seen the worst in people, I’ve felt the hate of others. I’ve learnt that hearts are made for pain and for breaking.
With the risk of repeating myself, I’ve felt the damage of one’s hate and ugliness on my own skin, that’s why I promised myself to never act with hate, I would never want others to go through the same feelings.
Don’t get me wrong, every time someone hurts me or angers me I still feel that hunger for payback it’s like the hunger of a lion, but then, I always remind myself what I said “Never again!” so I forgive because I had enough. Being kind it’s not easy, and it doesn’t come at ease, it takes strength, and most of the time being kind doesn’t pay you back, sadly. But for me, knowing that I managed to control my emotions and avoid hurting others is all that matters, so after all it is worth it.
Lately, I don’t know what’s been happening to me. I feel like I have lost my way. Every time someone hurts me a piece of my soul turns black, it dies, and I’m afraid that one day I won’t even have a soul left to be saved, but that’s ok, I guess. After all, who cares? Nobody!
I need a new direction, I’m tired of being the good person for everybody else while I’m hating myself, wishing I was dead every night before I fall asleep and every morning when I woke up. I need my own good soul, I need someone to care, not only to care, I need someone who understands, I need someone who can put his/her own interests on the second plan, at least once, like I do for everybody else. I need a reason to stay alive because right now I’m dead and I'm just acting like I’m alive.
From my experience good people are broken souls; this is the reason why they are good. They’ve seen too much shit; they’ve been through a lot, that’s why they are good. They know how it feels to be treated like shit, that’s why they decide to be kind, to help and not to judge others.
I’ve been –and still am– called a good/kind soul. I think I’m not. I’ve been –and I am – broken, I’ve seen the worst in people, I’ve felt the hate of others. I’ve learnt that hearts are made for pain and for breaking.
With the risk of repeating myself, I’ve felt the damage of one’s hate and ugliness on my own skin, that’s why I promised myself to never act with hate, I would never want others to go through the same feelings.
Don’t get me wrong, every time someone hurts me or angers me I still feel that hunger for payback it’s like the hunger of a lion, but then, I always remind myself what I said “Never again!” so I forgive because I had enough. Being kind it’s not easy, and it doesn’t come at ease, it takes strength, and most of the time being kind doesn’t pay you back, sadly. But for me, knowing that I managed to control my emotions and avoid hurting others is all that matters, so after all it is worth it.
Lately, I don’t know what’s been happening to me. I feel like I have lost my way. Every time someone hurts me a piece of my soul turns black, it dies, and I’m afraid that one day I won’t even have a soul left to be saved, but that’s ok, I guess. After all, who cares? Nobody!
I need a new direction, I’m tired of being the good person for everybody else while I’m hating myself, wishing I was dead every night before I fall asleep and every morning when I woke up. I need my own good soul, I need someone to care, not only to care, I need someone who understands, I need someone who can put his/her own interests on the second plan, at least once, like I do for everybody else. I need a reason to stay alive because right now I’m dead and I'm just acting like I’m alive.
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| (http://streetx222.deviantart.com/art/SNOW-420684521) |
I'm here, again, in the same place. We meet again, my old friend, depression. This time I don't know what's going on, you seem different; maybe, just maybe, I've changed.
Yes, definitely, I'm the one who changed; I guess that's how things work. My life is chaos. Today I found myself contemplating the murder; it's been so long since I've last thought about it. I feel worthless, empty like I have nothing left to offer. What if it is the truth? What if I am worthless, what if I am just an empty shell with nothing good left in me? I'm afraid that might be the truth, and it hurts so much.
After all those years of giving everything, I'm back again, alone and scared. I'm so lonely! I need somebody who cares, but I've been hurt so many times, and now I'm afraid to let anyone in. It will take some time; I know it, then... again the same cycle: get close, get comfy, and give everything to get hurt in the end. I tried to stop it so many times, but... I just can't.
Everybody thinks I'm heartbroken, maybe I am, but I don't feel that way, actually I don't feel anything anymore.
Yes, definitely, I'm the one who changed; I guess that's how things work. My life is chaos. Today I found myself contemplating the murder; it's been so long since I've last thought about it. I feel worthless, empty like I have nothing left to offer. What if it is the truth? What if I am worthless, what if I am just an empty shell with nothing good left in me? I'm afraid that might be the truth, and it hurts so much.
After all those years of giving everything, I'm back again, alone and scared. I'm so lonely! I need somebody who cares, but I've been hurt so many times, and now I'm afraid to let anyone in. It will take some time; I know it, then... again the same cycle: get close, get comfy, and give everything to get hurt in the end. I tried to stop it so many times, but... I just can't.
Everybody thinks I'm heartbroken, maybe I am, but I don't feel that way, actually I don't feel anything anymore.
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| (http://orig03.deviantart.net/0afa/f/2013/343/1/6/never_never_land_by_elenakalis-d6xbit4.jpg) |
